The Laws of Gratitude - Week Eight

Taking things for granted is an extremely natural process of the mind. Almost too natural. In the world we live in today, with society, social media, the spot light on all of the hip and trending happenings and also chaotic work schedules, it is so easy to neglect what is really important. What is valueless but valuable. When the alarm sounds at 6am, we jump out of bed and we are in an instant rush. Shower, dress, hair, grab your bag and bam, out the door! Not even remotely considering the fact that you actually, woke up. Not everyone takes the time to sit, console their cup of coffee and look outside at how still the world currently is in that moment. I think with everything that happens on a day to day basis, the thing I take for granted most is time.  

 

Time stops for no one. Before we know it, night rolls in and it’s time unwind from a challenging day. We change, brush our teeth, read a story, watch a movie (sometimes homework) and then bed. Predictably, the 6am alarm sounds again. Eventually we become robotic. A synchronized chain of events Monday through Saturday (with Sunday being the exception to this rule). This week is my daughter’s third birthday and I cannot for the life of me understand, how did we get here?  I remember the day she was born. I remember the sleepless first night. From that first night until now time has driven by me in complete lightning speed. It is a terrifying feeling to think of how quickly life passes us by and how easily we dismiss it.

 

With the upcoming holidays approaching, we are trained to reflect (especially on Thanksgiving) on what it is we are grateful for. But why just Thanksgiving? Why not every day we wake up? If you think about it, and I mean routinely think about what it is that you are blessed to have in your life. Whether this be a person, a thing, a job. If you realize the impact that this gratitude can have, it will bring you to a place of good. A place of positive. A place of ……happiness. When I sit back, I think of all of the small things I am truly grateful for. Just waking up and seeing the ocean at my window. Hearing my daughters cries in the morning and the love of that first sip of coffee. Without stopping to think, I would never even realize how grateful I am for all of this. My mother (God love this woman) is my rock. Without her help with my children, I’d be completely lost. I find myself needing her opinion on everything and I don’t take the time to realize this every day. My sisters are my lifeline. (I have one biological sister but I am blessed with the heart, mind and soul of several women whom I refer to as my sister). These women are amazing, strong, independent, beautiful women. Without knowing that they are a phone call away, life would be unimaginable.

 

People often tend to take the fast lane on a highway to get to where they are going as quickly as possible. But what’s the rush? Your destination will be there whether you get there in one hour or ten.  It’s the people in the far right lane that have the right idea. Those people take their time. As annoying as those people are to drive behind, they do not notice the negativity coming from behind them (which is probably you cursing or beeping your horn). What they are noticing are life’s gorgeous moments. I think we should all put the blinker on and get in the right lane at some point in our lives.

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

(Sight)

To see is to know.

Revealing beauty around.

Forgetting sorrow.

 

(Him)

He is me. One soul.

Divided into two halves.

One soul. I am him.

 

(Air)

The air I breath in.

Reminds me I am alive.

Soothes my soul calmly.

 

(Rain)

Shattered against glass.

My reason to stop and rest.

My time to reflect.

 

(Coffee)

Consoling my cup.

All sound is dispersed in time.

Still asleep. Awake.

 

 

 

 

Fear - Week Seven

Fear. The word inevitably has impact the moment it is spoken. Upon hearing this notorious word, thoughts and images generate in my own mind reflecting on my own common apprehensions and anxieties. Insecurities fly through my head in a torrential domino effect. Will I a fail? Did I offend this person by speaking my mind? Will I ever find that unattainable, blissful, happily ever after that you only read about in romance novels? And then there is my biggest fear of all, what will people think?
 

 

All of these misgivings become a tidal wave to a path of obstacles and destruction. These fears take residence in our potentially perfect future, blocking our eyes from the light of achievement. Each fear is given strength with every negative thought that provokingly comes with it. The longer we feed into this timidity, the more difficult it is to overcome. What I have come to realize is working toward acknowledging these fears will help us to succeed. However, by eliminating these fears altogether, we can succeed beautifully.

 

A major part of overcoming my dominating fears is the realization of my own self-worth. Realizing who I am, what I have to offer in life, to the people in my life, and more importantly, to myself. Being independently strong-willed is one of my biggest assets. Self-motivation and being annoyingly relentless go hand in hand with my strong will. This combination gives me the capability to persevere and prevail. With that being said, I do not always put these qualities to good use.

 

Most commonly, we all get lost in our own angst. We can all be sidetracked from our path to our own personal “Perfect”. I often find myself being sidetracked with self-doubt. Constantly questioning myself and letting my fears take over. When that does happen, I acknowledge my fear, address what it is I am actually afraid of, and dive in head first. I feel as though addressing your fears with a clear mind is the main key to destroying them. I have also discovered that overthinking your fear is trouble. If you spend time wallowing in your own anxieties, you will succumb to them. Diving in head first with a sink or swim approach, I almost always come out on top. If I dive into my fear and I actually fail, then I will have failed graciously. I will have failed graciously because at the very least, I tried. And then, I will dust myself off and try again to conquer that fear.

 

F E A R

 

Take a back seat,

I’m tired of your lies.

I refuse to listen to you.

And no, I won’t compromise.

 

Your presence is unwanted.

Your full of straight doubt.

My life will overcome you.

It's time you know what I’m about.

 

You haunt people’s dreams

With your nasty scheming ways.

I’m done with being shaded.

Its time  for brighter days.

 

You feed off insecurities.

You compel me to hold back.

It’s the hate in me I have for you

That makes me want to attack.

 

When you take hold of me

That's my problem, I know.

Real talk, this relationship is over,

And it’s time for you to go.

 

In the Moment of Now - Week Six

My week, my week. (Sigh)

Having two small children takes its toll. It is fulfilling, rewarding, challenging exciting and endearing. Now, add a 40 plus hour work week, college courses and life's unstoppable every day stresses, and you come out with complete organized chaos. When I use the term "organized chaos" I'm not kidding! It is a perpetual organized nonstop movement from Monday through Friday of baths, homework, meetings, feedings, dance class, reading, phone calls and appointments. See! I bet you need two Advil just from reading this.



Sadi Grey

With all of my movement during this week, the absolute best part is coming home to see the girls run into my arms. Cliché', yes! But so needed. You see, there is a routine in my house. Sadi cannot say much, although she is very independent for a one year old. She will run up to me, tease me with a quirky grin, go in for a kiss, fake me out and not actually kiss me and run away to move on to her next focus.
 



Stella Grace

Stella is different. Completely different! Stella's routine is a little more enthusiastic. A little more needy. Stella is 2 years old and a girl genius. (Not just saying this because she is my child, but it is actually true). She is quite the little chatter box. She has this act she likes to play out when I get home from work. First, she'll tell me to take my shoes off. (This is how she ensures I will not leave her). Next, she'll ask me to sit down on her play room floor. She will start out with "Sooooooo! Tell me how was your day". The magnetic force behind this request is not the actual request itself, but her voice. It is a nasally, pipsqueak like voice coming from the mouth of a too small for her age, blue eyed, blonde haired little girl. It brings an instant smile to my face. She doesn't really want to know about my day. She's is setting the ground in anticipation that I'm next going to ask her about her day, which I always do! One night this week was particularly entertaining. It went a little something like this.

Mommy: "So Stella. Tell me, how was your day?"
Stella: "So, I woke up. I went to work in Boston. I beat up my boss. I learned my letters. I played outside. I came home and now I'm talking to you!"

(See above. She pretends she works in Boston and I am the toddler. She also tells me she beats up her boss because she learned it from a game of "Beat Your Boss" on her IPad. The multitude of issues in this sentence I can't even break down for you. IPad at 2 years old. Games of Beat Your Boss. What is the world coming to?!)

Mommy:" "Sounds like a busy day Stel."
Stella: "Oh and Mom, I know what sexy means."
Mommy: "I'm sorry, what (Insert shock here). Sexy?!"

Hushed giggles come from her mouth as she runs away. I follow behind quickly. Pffff, as if she's getting out of this one!

Mommy: "Ok Stel. Tell me. What does sexy mean?"
Stella: "Sexy means, Ohhh Heyyyy Babbeeee!"

Need I remind you this is coming from a 2 year old. I couldn't help but laugh. I guess kids really do pick up on everything they hear. I am excited and yet a little concerned to see what next week's conversations bring us.  I guess this is what I signed up for when having kids. I'll probably have a lifetime of shock moments from some of words blurted from her tiny mouth.

Cest La vie




Poem - Week Six

Mindfulness

When I stop I notice

the uncontrollable giggles

of a girl but two.

I notice her excitement.

Her eyes smile blue.

Breathless footsteps approach

of an angel but one.

Her age of pure innocence.

Simply laughter and fun.

When I stop I notice

a power from above.

His presence takes hold of me.

I reflect on love.

I notice the air

is easier to breathe

when releasing all stress

from your every day defeats.

The world around me

is a nonstop charade.

Opinions, emotions.

Games to be played.

The movement subsides

in the chaos of life

when stopping to realize

you can't live life twice.

A Blessing in Disguise - Week Five

 

 

 

 

I was with “Him” for almost four years. I’ll say “Him” because his name has not left my mouth in a very long time. We met when I was so young. Just barely 22 years old. He won me over with a charming smile, witty conversation and ….a motorcycle. (I should have known better right!?). But again, I was so young. I thought I was untouchable. I moved in with him within months after knowing him. Within a years time, my blissful life of gifts, trips and a happy home unveiled. He was a monster. He tore me down at any chance he got. He was verbally assaultive, mentally abusive and physically abrasive. I was already invested. I had cut most ties with my friends and family. I was just trying to keep up with what I thought was my “forever”.

 

One afternoon a fight broke out between us, as it had on most of our days. I couldn’t tell you the details if I tried. The only words that stuck out to me were "I want you to leave". I remember thinking to myself, I can’t leave. This was my home. This had been my home for years now. I was settled. My father had completely renovated the house to my standards, all of my things were here and ….I unwillingly love this man, this monster. I had another thought running through my head at the time. What will THEY think. They, being all of the people I had cut out of my life defending this man. They were my family, my friends, my loved ones. I had lost everyone close to me because I was so wrapped up in a world of hurt. THEY were gone because of me.

 

 

 

The fight continued and before I knew it I was packing my bags. I had this gut wrenching feeling of failure and I feared the unknown. Was this the end of my forever? How will I survive without this man? I moved everything in my possession that I was able to fit into my 2-door Acura. You can imagine this wasn’t much. I basically left with shoes, clothes and books. I moved these possessions by myself. I asked nobody for help because I was so ashamed. I was embarrassed that I was failing at something I had fought so hard for. I pulled up to my Mom and Dad’s house. (Where else could I go on such short notice). I walked in with a fistful of items and tears in my eyes. They just looked at me with comfort. No words needed to be said. To them, I was perfect. I was safe. To me, I was dying inside. I had just left a world I had become so accustomed to. I had taken ten steps back from being the independent woman I knew how to be. The irony in all of this was, if I was this independent woman, why was I so dependent on this man. This monster.

 

 

A few weeks went by of solitude and of crying. A distant best friend of mine knew I was home and had heard what was going on. He knew I needed a friend. He showed up at my door one day. The first words out of his mouth were “Get dressed, we are going out and Kerri, you will prevail”. From that point on I remained focused. My family and friends were by my side every step of the way. They had never really left me like I thought. I left them and didn’t even realize it. Within time, I was able to get my own place, focus on work and move forward with my life in a positive direction. I was becoming the independent woman I needed to be. It took a while for me to realize that leaving was not the end of the world, but the end of a chapter. If "He" had never told me to leave, I would not have the life I live right now. I have two beautiful daughters. I am in school. I have my family around me every day and I have made amazing friends since leaving. I also have the confidence that I deserve to be loved. What “He” was doing would have killed me eventually. I saved my own life by leaving him. By walking into the unknown I propelled my life into a positive direction without even realizing it. I now have the understanding of abuse and know I will never tolerate it from any person again in this life or any other.

 

 

 

 

Week 5 Poem
 

 

ALCHEMY

 

one part soul

two parts heart

logic mixed in between

 

a blend we create                                          

a blend of what?

 

knowledge                                                        

 

bringing us

closer than the

eyes can

see

 

wisdom

 

dominoes knowledge

into effect

 

power

 

before us

within our reach

 

but why do we hold back?

 

the greater truth

from the greater self

 

our eyes

blind to see

 

unveil the shadow

before thine eyes

 

propel your life to be