Life And All It Brings - Week Four

Life is combined with a tremendous amount of experiences that stand out to us. Every one of us has had major turning points in our journey through life as we know it. These turning points start out as small as a first step. As big as a first word. As nerve racking as a first kiss. A moment of impact so great or so terrifying that it resonates in your soul. Boom! It sets the wheels in motion for our minds to think beyond what is or what was and on to what will be. In my life, there are many moments that come to mind when thinking back at turning points. These moments are a tiny makeup of my greater good.

Restraining Order      
      

From an outside perspective, I grew up in a solid home. A home in which consisted of a mother, a father and siblings. Inside this perfect picture lay chaos. My older brother, Michael, started drinking at the age of 14. Michael's drinking was a cover to much deeper mental issues that none of us could have ever comprehended. The liquid poison he consumed on a day to day basis wasn't enough to numb what he was battling inside. He turned to drugs. He started with pot and went bigger and bigger as the years went by. The combination of Michael's drinking, drug abuse and mental illness lead to World War III in our picture perfect home. He always started small. On a bad day, he'd break a photo or a glass. On a worse day, he'd pick a target and curse and throw things. On his worst of days, physical violence was his solution to all problems. He didn't care who he would hurt or how. After over 8 years of living at home with Michael and his demons, the worst had come to head. I came home from work and instantly became his target. Michael's eyes had gone black and cold, as they usually did after a day of drinking, drugs and talking to himself. It was the worst it had ever been or I had ever encountered. It was a physical fight of him attacking (for no reason other than I was just there) and me defending. It landed me in the hospital with a concussion, bruises and half of my hair missing from my head. The very next day I took my sister and went to the courthouse. I knew if I put a restraining on Michael, he'd be ordered to stay away. In staying away, he would have to move from my parent's home. Maybe this was the kick in the ass he needed to get on the right track. It was a win, win. I was not only saving myself, but I was saving my family from sleepless nights of bipolar disorder and I was hopefully saving Michael. The restraining order was granted without a second thought by the Judge. Michael moved out. My parents refused to speak a word to me and I couldn't understand why. I was helping them! At least I thought I was? Thirty days of a great night's sleep went by. My parents begged me not to go back to court to further the order because Michael was officially homeless. The next day Michael moved back in. I moved out.

Awkward Entertainment          

   
It was around my 21st birthday that my sister started dating a guy in this band called Savin Ill. She would drag me to local venues following her new guy as if we were teeny boppers working our way through a crowd of estrogen filled little girls at an N'Sync concert. I always had the propelled notion that I'd rather chew sand than be dragged to another one of this guy's gigs. Much to my surprise, after 3 or 4 of these instrumentally filled nights, I became hooked! I became culturally aware of the many types of music that underground venues had to offer. My sister's boyfriend saw my enthusiasm in all of this music and ran with it. He started up a company called Awkward Entertainment and signed me right on. It was a small company (which currently doesn't exist). We'd book underground local hip hop artists at venues throughout Boston and Cambridge. It was a tail spin into an entire new world for me. After working with so many talented local hip hop artists, we moved on to booking some of the better known talents. The Middle East in Cambridge, Massachusetts was our main venue. I was able to work with artists such as Wu Tang, Common and Mos Def. Hearing their stories, listening to their talents and working with some of the most influential rappers that have paved the way for hip hop was life changing for me. It broadened my scope not only in music but in my way of thinking as well.

Miami, 2007       

It wasn't until 2007, that a friendship I shared with three other women became epic. This friendship became an impenetrable stone of life. It was September and I was single! Coincidentally and much to all of our surprises, we were all single at the same time. (Unheard of, right?). The bond that was formed with these three amazing women was what most would call, destiny. Jo, who has been my best friend since grade school, went off to college and met Chelsea. Marisa, who is Chelsea's best friend from grade school, knew it was a perfect time for her to take a girls trip, which she had never done before. It all started with one email and four email addresses. The subject line read "Miami anyone?". It was on! It was the perfect time in all of our lives to just get away and live. We arrived in Miami with a will and a way. The first night there, after being exhausted from working all day and catching a flight,we decided we would have one low key night, get some rest and start fresh the next day. Pffff! That didn't happen. We convened at a bar called Mangos on the strip. It took all but two lemon drop shots each for the next five days to be filled with pure laughter, happiness and memories. We were unstoppable. Through our trip, we became each others allies. We learned each other in ways only sisters know. From that trip forward, these women have been a lifeline to me in my most exciting or simple of times. They are my rocks, my voices of reason and my "go to" girls for whenever I need to smile.



(From the left, Chelsea, Joke', Me, Marisa)

Week 4 Poem
(hip hop verse)

Bartender



Slingin drinks

sweat drippin down my back

got a line of 10 deep

most lookin like they on crack

Music is poundin

My head is poundin too

"10 shots of henney honey

and a shot of tequila for you"

10 heads roll by

10 more come through

"Can I get a bud, a Corona

and lil mama needs a Sex on the Beach"

"Yeah, and please bartender

make sure it aint weak"

No problem Miss
Now wipe that lipstick off your teeth

Bottles flippin through my hands

SHIT! I'm out of ice

Where's my bar back at?

This is why I can't be nice

On to the next.

"Hey bartender. Nice tat.
Yo, can I get ya digits?"

My number? I'm sorry.
Maybe when you speak proper English.

Here comes Miss Lipstick.

"My drink isn't strong, It needs
more Vodka. Can you move it along"

My eyes reach the sky
Come get yourself

Here take my spot doll
While I grab myself
a bottle of top shelf

I'm over this job
I'm over this noise

Girls wearin heels they can't walk in
and grown men acting like boys

The Powers That Be - Week Three

A Story of Power…

It wasn’t until recently I realized my value at work. I realized my power. Working since my ripe teenage years, I have always had doubt in my work product. At the age of 30 years old, I had been with my employer for 7 years. I was always unsure of what I was doing. If it was enough. If it was ok. I tried to push myself to make less and less mistakes over the years but I was never really confident in myself. I figured I had to be doing “something” right because I was still employed, but that wasn’t enough to keep me calm. A job opportunity approached me. Something in a completely different field making more money and meeting new people. I thought to myself, sure! Why not stir the pot and see where it takes me. I nervously approached my boss of 7 years with my news. I laid it all out on the line proceeding with caution of course.  I was unsure of what his reaction would be, but I pretty much had my bags packed. I was certain I was walking into his office, giving my two weeks notice and I’d probably be escorted from the building by security. I gave my boss the rundown of the offer and much to my surprise his red Irish face turned pale white. I immediately saw panic set in over the most controlled of men. He wanted the opportunity to counter offer. Something I was told my firm had a strict policy against. My boss raved about my work! I knew the ropes, I knew the job. I grew up there over 7 years. I helped him run an extraordinarily successful practice. He needed me! Me! The one, who every day walked in to the office being sure it was my last day. It was then I realized, wow, I am good at this. When all is laid out in front of you, hearing positive feedback from a person who rarely compliments anyone but himself was a shift in power for me. I gave my boss the opportunity to counter offer and I stayed!

A Story of Lost Power……

Yes, my boss counter offered. I made a quick decision to stay and I was flying high. I walked into work every day with a smile from ear to ear.  A sort of arrogance had set in. More money, no need to start a new job, and I was irreplaceable! This was great, until…….. the Scales of Justice had shifted out of my favor. Coincidentally, a colleague had a job offer within two weeks of my offer. She attempted to give her two weeks notice and her boss countered. She had been there for a year longer than I and her boss was not about to let her go either. Several top ranking partners at the firm had caught wind of the recent “discussions” my colleague and I had with our supervisors. It seemed to be a topic of conversation over their overpriced salads. They were displeased with the news that they countered offered to keep two employees within a two week time span. In being displeased, words flew over the lunch table of lying about  potential positions to gain an increase in salary. They felt the wool was pulled over their eyes. A conspiracy against them. I caught wind of all that was said and I was completely crushed! How could they say this? Was I not as valuable as I thought? I began to question myself and my work once again. My smile was ripped from me with words of hurt. I had lost power. It wasn’t until a few weeks later, after contemplating emailing my offer letter to every partner in the firm, that I realized they had gained complete power over me with just their words. Words that were not said directly to me, but about me. I realized their words were valueless. I knew the truth. They projected a negative image onto me because they could not believe we broke their rule. They have never counter offered for anyone. That was made clear. Yet, my colleague and I were still there. We disrupted their balance.  I continued to work at the same firm, but with an entirely new attitude. My work is above and beyond. I am good at what I do and I know my own value. I do not need to hear it from another person to believe it. This is not the last stop in my life or my career. I remind myself of that when things get difficult.

Harnessing Power.......         
                           

Over the past few years, simple techniques have helped me to regain power. I have learned to stay focused. I remain positive over myself, what I have accomplished and what I know I will accomplish further. Reflection is a big part of being focused. Sitting quietly and reflecting on situations, experiences and life, helps me to put things back into perspective when the universe shifts life out of whack. The wisdom of knowing who you are helps to keep the balance when negativity is thrown into your world. It is an ongoing battle but every day I get a little closer to realizing the importance of me and what I have to offer.

 Week Three  - Poem

When I Was a Limitless Child

When I was a limitless child;

 visions of whimsical dreams

cascaded through my sleep.

Endless possibilities

traced upon hopes

of what could be.

Using the essence of my innocence
to accomplish
the smallest of my needs.

A tree house, a picnic, that shiny new toy,
There were no boundaries
on the lines I would feed.

When I was a limitless child; 

Glass globes encased

these tiny dancers;

Snow twirling in thin air.

Such tiny dancers

moved ballet clad feet

to dance without a care.

When I was a limitless child; 

    The simplicity, the playfulness,

 the power of persuasion

 held strong and true.

A pout, a tear,

a subtle soft whisper

could break any of their rules.

                                                    
To be a limitless child;
To think back to what

once was.

Pure undeniable innocence

surfacing laughter

without pause.

This limitless child we speak of
holds no fear, no vanity,
no doubt.

A child driven by purity,
excitement; enthusiasm,
Reminding us of what life is about.



A Letter to My Mentor - Week Two

Dear R,

I find myself stumbled on words. There are so many unspoken truths from each other that I have almost lost sight of what was important. I'm taking this opportunity now to explain to you how you saved me. Yes, you saved me! I know this is a powerful term, but there is no other way to express myself.

When we met, I was a young, naïve girl spiraling on a downward path. I thought I had the answer to everything. I thought I needed nobody. I was a 25 year old girl on the verge of destroying my relationships with every person who loved me most. When we met, I was just coming out of a severely toxic, mentally, verbally and physically abusive relationship. The only thing I knew how to do was become numb to what I had barely survived. I threw myself into a social life of drinking and bartending. And even drinking while bartending.When we met, you became my friend. First and foremost, my well being was always your concern.  I cannot thank you enough for that. You saw in me what I could not see in myself back then. You saw beauty within. You helped me to realize, after years of verbal abuse, that the words spoken to me in my past were never ok. You held my hand and helped to pull me from my own tornado's path. I can say with honesty, I do not know where I would be without you today. You've taught me what it is to be a person. You have taught me the meaning of respect.

With all of this between us, you have also taught me the value of family. You started this by bringing me home to meet your Mother and Father. Filippo ended up being my lifesaver from your Mother, God rest his soul. He, like you, was always on my side. You showed me what Sunday dinner was in your Italian home. You showed me what it was to sit, to eat and to discuss each others day as a family. Today we share two beautiful daughters who I instill those values in. I truly believe we were destined to meet each other for those little girls to exist. I know you will teach them everything you taught me and more. For that, and for everything you have done for me in this life, I thank you.

Love always,
K




Week Two - Poem

"An Ode to R"

The sound of laughter fills a room

with your voice high above the rest.

Your sarcastic and joking humor

keeps our smiles at their best.

Compassion for your loved ones

is the strongest I've ever seen.

Your humility for silly little things

leaves happiness in between.

I feel lost in such amazement

watching your child like repertoire.

Our girls would giggle for hours on end

if I let it get that far.

You have a childish innocence about you.

You're a simple man with dreams.

Family and friends are life to you,

material items have no means.

I think back to the time we met;

and all you've taught me since.

Love, Respect, Stability, Family,

though it took awhile to have me convinced.

You accepted me as your family,

for this I'll never forget.

You gave me two beautiful girls.

I am forever in your debt.

Your generosity in this life;

is the moon lighting up the sea;

Helping to see for miles;

and what you saw was me.

A Little Piece of Me - Week One

A little piece of me.......

I grew up in Revere, Massachusetts. A small city north of Boston. I've spent most of my childhood and adult life here. I ventured into Boston to live in the city for a few years and eventually routed back to Revere. I attended public school my entire life. I think public school can be good for a child. It teaches them to be street smart and book smart all in one. I have a solid family. A product of marital parents. Divorce wasn't an option. But with that came some weight. Divorce not being an option didn't always mean it was a happy home. Nonetheless, my parents have survived the harder part of their years raising four children and are happily together and helping me raise my two daughters, Stella Grace and Sadi Grey. They are the loves of my life. Stella is my two year old. A child that doctors could not believe I would ever have. Sadi is my one year old. She was not as planned but just as precious. They are the reason I am here today.

I work full time in Boston. Yes, you are probably wondering how I do it with two small children. Well, it is not easy at all. But it is the most fulfilling and rewarding talent I can have. Being able to balance my sense of independence with work while still being a Mommy puts a smile on my face every day. Don't get me wrong, I have to let loose once in awhile. Wine is my friend. Wine is my friends' friend as well. Meeting with my girlfriends for a drink to de-stress is the best form of therapy a person can ask for. That, and kickboxing. I wouldn't say I am an avid kick boxer but I'd like to think I'm getting pretty good. It is an amazing feeling when you actually take care of your body. It gives you the energy to be able to do what you need to do on a day to day basis. Kind of like, fueling your SUV on premium and not regular. Things just run a little smoother.

Along with balancing all of the traits above, my friends tell me I go above and beyond for almost everyone I hold dear in my life. That being said, it can take its toll, but this is just who I am. I could not picture myself any other way. Have I been told I'm beautiful, yes. Have I been told I'm smart, sure. People can "tell" us things until they turn blue. Superficial, artificial things. That is just the outer layer. But to be kind, to actually be beautiful inside and out without being told you are. There is no better feeling. Acts of kindness while expecting nothing in return gives hope that there really are amazing people in this world. I extend myself to my friends and family and even strangers because it is who I am. I surround myself with amazing people because they pushed me to be who I am. I couldn't picture life any other way.

C'est La Vie!

POEM OF THE WEEK
Affirmation #97

"The Past Has No Power And Hold Over Me Anymore"

Though I've made mistakes,
Heading down the wrong path.
Everlasting feelings of hopelessness.

Poor choices.
Afraid to look left or right.
Something pulled me back.
This was my chance.

Hope stepped in.
And helped to
Strengthen the mind I was given.

Now we are in the now.
Obstacles still lie ahead.

Pain is my motivation.
Once I was told
Where my mind goes, I will go.
Even further than I can dream to see.
Rain is followed by sun.

After dark, comes light.
Nobody can hold you back if you are
Driven.

Honest.
Only I can make that change.
Life moves quickly.
Drowning feelings.

Only leaving Time.
Vigilant with ticking.
Entangled with thoughts
Racing.

My past was what was.
Everything that was, lead me to the now.

And my now is
Now.
Yesterdsay is gone.
My head is strong.
Only my heart is stronger.
Ready for today and
Expecting tomorrow to be the better of days.