The Laws of Gratitude - Week Eight

Taking things for granted is an extremely natural process of the mind. Almost too natural. In the world we live in today, with society, social media, the spot light on all of the hip and trending happenings and also chaotic work schedules, it is so easy to neglect what is really important. What is valueless but valuable. When the alarm sounds at 6am, we jump out of bed and we are in an instant rush. Shower, dress, hair, grab your bag and bam, out the door! Not even remotely considering the fact that you actually, woke up. Not everyone takes the time to sit, console their cup of coffee and look outside at how still the world currently is in that moment. I think with everything that happens on a day to day basis, the thing I take for granted most is time.  

 

Time stops for no one. Before we know it, night rolls in and it’s time unwind from a challenging day. We change, brush our teeth, read a story, watch a movie (sometimes homework) and then bed. Predictably, the 6am alarm sounds again. Eventually we become robotic. A synchronized chain of events Monday through Saturday (with Sunday being the exception to this rule). This week is my daughter’s third birthday and I cannot for the life of me understand, how did we get here?  I remember the day she was born. I remember the sleepless first night. From that first night until now time has driven by me in complete lightning speed. It is a terrifying feeling to think of how quickly life passes us by and how easily we dismiss it.

 

With the upcoming holidays approaching, we are trained to reflect (especially on Thanksgiving) on what it is we are grateful for. But why just Thanksgiving? Why not every day we wake up? If you think about it, and I mean routinely think about what it is that you are blessed to have in your life. Whether this be a person, a thing, a job. If you realize the impact that this gratitude can have, it will bring you to a place of good. A place of positive. A place of ……happiness. When I sit back, I think of all of the small things I am truly grateful for. Just waking up and seeing the ocean at my window. Hearing my daughters cries in the morning and the love of that first sip of coffee. Without stopping to think, I would never even realize how grateful I am for all of this. My mother (God love this woman) is my rock. Without her help with my children, I’d be completely lost. I find myself needing her opinion on everything and I don’t take the time to realize this every day. My sisters are my lifeline. (I have one biological sister but I am blessed with the heart, mind and soul of several women whom I refer to as my sister). These women are amazing, strong, independent, beautiful women. Without knowing that they are a phone call away, life would be unimaginable.

 

People often tend to take the fast lane on a highway to get to where they are going as quickly as possible. But what’s the rush? Your destination will be there whether you get there in one hour or ten.  It’s the people in the far right lane that have the right idea. Those people take their time. As annoying as those people are to drive behind, they do not notice the negativity coming from behind them (which is probably you cursing or beeping your horn). What they are noticing are life’s gorgeous moments. I think we should all put the blinker on and get in the right lane at some point in our lives.

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

(Sight)

To see is to know.

Revealing beauty around.

Forgetting sorrow.

 

(Him)

He is me. One soul.

Divided into two halves.

One soul. I am him.

 

(Air)

The air I breath in.

Reminds me I am alive.

Soothes my soul calmly.

 

(Rain)

Shattered against glass.

My reason to stop and rest.

My time to reflect.

 

(Coffee)

Consoling my cup.

All sound is dispersed in time.

Still asleep. Awake.

 

 

 

 

Fear - Week Seven

Fear. The word inevitably has impact the moment it is spoken. Upon hearing this notorious word, thoughts and images generate in my own mind reflecting on my own common apprehensions and anxieties. Insecurities fly through my head in a torrential domino effect. Will I a fail? Did I offend this person by speaking my mind? Will I ever find that unattainable, blissful, happily ever after that you only read about in romance novels? And then there is my biggest fear of all, what will people think?
 

 

All of these misgivings become a tidal wave to a path of obstacles and destruction. These fears take residence in our potentially perfect future, blocking our eyes from the light of achievement. Each fear is given strength with every negative thought that provokingly comes with it. The longer we feed into this timidity, the more difficult it is to overcome. What I have come to realize is working toward acknowledging these fears will help us to succeed. However, by eliminating these fears altogether, we can succeed beautifully.

 

A major part of overcoming my dominating fears is the realization of my own self-worth. Realizing who I am, what I have to offer in life, to the people in my life, and more importantly, to myself. Being independently strong-willed is one of my biggest assets. Self-motivation and being annoyingly relentless go hand in hand with my strong will. This combination gives me the capability to persevere and prevail. With that being said, I do not always put these qualities to good use.

 

Most commonly, we all get lost in our own angst. We can all be sidetracked from our path to our own personal “Perfect”. I often find myself being sidetracked with self-doubt. Constantly questioning myself and letting my fears take over. When that does happen, I acknowledge my fear, address what it is I am actually afraid of, and dive in head first. I feel as though addressing your fears with a clear mind is the main key to destroying them. I have also discovered that overthinking your fear is trouble. If you spend time wallowing in your own anxieties, you will succumb to them. Diving in head first with a sink or swim approach, I almost always come out on top. If I dive into my fear and I actually fail, then I will have failed graciously. I will have failed graciously because at the very least, I tried. And then, I will dust myself off and try again to conquer that fear.

 

F E A R

 

Take a back seat,

I’m tired of your lies.

I refuse to listen to you.

And no, I won’t compromise.

 

Your presence is unwanted.

Your full of straight doubt.

My life will overcome you.

It's time you know what I’m about.

 

You haunt people’s dreams

With your nasty scheming ways.

I’m done with being shaded.

Its time  for brighter days.

 

You feed off insecurities.

You compel me to hold back.

It’s the hate in me I have for you

That makes me want to attack.

 

When you take hold of me

That's my problem, I know.

Real talk, this relationship is over,

And it’s time for you to go.

 

In the Moment of Now - Week Six

My week, my week. (Sigh)

Having two small children takes its toll. It is fulfilling, rewarding, challenging exciting and endearing. Now, add a 40 plus hour work week, college courses and life's unstoppable every day stresses, and you come out with complete organized chaos. When I use the term "organized chaos" I'm not kidding! It is a perpetual organized nonstop movement from Monday through Friday of baths, homework, meetings, feedings, dance class, reading, phone calls and appointments. See! I bet you need two Advil just from reading this.



Sadi Grey

With all of my movement during this week, the absolute best part is coming home to see the girls run into my arms. Cliché', yes! But so needed. You see, there is a routine in my house. Sadi cannot say much, although she is very independent for a one year old. She will run up to me, tease me with a quirky grin, go in for a kiss, fake me out and not actually kiss me and run away to move on to her next focus.
 



Stella Grace

Stella is different. Completely different! Stella's routine is a little more enthusiastic. A little more needy. Stella is 2 years old and a girl genius. (Not just saying this because she is my child, but it is actually true). She is quite the little chatter box. She has this act she likes to play out when I get home from work. First, she'll tell me to take my shoes off. (This is how she ensures I will not leave her). Next, she'll ask me to sit down on her play room floor. She will start out with "Sooooooo! Tell me how was your day". The magnetic force behind this request is not the actual request itself, but her voice. It is a nasally, pipsqueak like voice coming from the mouth of a too small for her age, blue eyed, blonde haired little girl. It brings an instant smile to my face. She doesn't really want to know about my day. She's is setting the ground in anticipation that I'm next going to ask her about her day, which I always do! One night this week was particularly entertaining. It went a little something like this.

Mommy: "So Stella. Tell me, how was your day?"
Stella: "So, I woke up. I went to work in Boston. I beat up my boss. I learned my letters. I played outside. I came home and now I'm talking to you!"

(See above. She pretends she works in Boston and I am the toddler. She also tells me she beats up her boss because she learned it from a game of "Beat Your Boss" on her IPad. The multitude of issues in this sentence I can't even break down for you. IPad at 2 years old. Games of Beat Your Boss. What is the world coming to?!)

Mommy:" "Sounds like a busy day Stel."
Stella: "Oh and Mom, I know what sexy means."
Mommy: "I'm sorry, what (Insert shock here). Sexy?!"

Hushed giggles come from her mouth as she runs away. I follow behind quickly. Pffff, as if she's getting out of this one!

Mommy: "Ok Stel. Tell me. What does sexy mean?"
Stella: "Sexy means, Ohhh Heyyyy Babbeeee!"

Need I remind you this is coming from a 2 year old. I couldn't help but laugh. I guess kids really do pick up on everything they hear. I am excited and yet a little concerned to see what next week's conversations bring us.  I guess this is what I signed up for when having kids. I'll probably have a lifetime of shock moments from some of words blurted from her tiny mouth.

Cest La vie




Poem - Week Six

Mindfulness

When I stop I notice

the uncontrollable giggles

of a girl but two.

I notice her excitement.

Her eyes smile blue.

Breathless footsteps approach

of an angel but one.

Her age of pure innocence.

Simply laughter and fun.

When I stop I notice

a power from above.

His presence takes hold of me.

I reflect on love.

I notice the air

is easier to breathe

when releasing all stress

from your every day defeats.

The world around me

is a nonstop charade.

Opinions, emotions.

Games to be played.

The movement subsides

in the chaos of life

when stopping to realize

you can't live life twice.

A Blessing in Disguise - Week Five

 

 

 

 

I was with “Him” for almost four years. I’ll say “Him” because his name has not left my mouth in a very long time. We met when I was so young. Just barely 22 years old. He won me over with a charming smile, witty conversation and ….a motorcycle. (I should have known better right!?). But again, I was so young. I thought I was untouchable. I moved in with him within months after knowing him. Within a years time, my blissful life of gifts, trips and a happy home unveiled. He was a monster. He tore me down at any chance he got. He was verbally assaultive, mentally abusive and physically abrasive. I was already invested. I had cut most ties with my friends and family. I was just trying to keep up with what I thought was my “forever”.

 

One afternoon a fight broke out between us, as it had on most of our days. I couldn’t tell you the details if I tried. The only words that stuck out to me were "I want you to leave". I remember thinking to myself, I can’t leave. This was my home. This had been my home for years now. I was settled. My father had completely renovated the house to my standards, all of my things were here and ….I unwillingly love this man, this monster. I had another thought running through my head at the time. What will THEY think. They, being all of the people I had cut out of my life defending this man. They were my family, my friends, my loved ones. I had lost everyone close to me because I was so wrapped up in a world of hurt. THEY were gone because of me.

 

 

 

The fight continued and before I knew it I was packing my bags. I had this gut wrenching feeling of failure and I feared the unknown. Was this the end of my forever? How will I survive without this man? I moved everything in my possession that I was able to fit into my 2-door Acura. You can imagine this wasn’t much. I basically left with shoes, clothes and books. I moved these possessions by myself. I asked nobody for help because I was so ashamed. I was embarrassed that I was failing at something I had fought so hard for. I pulled up to my Mom and Dad’s house. (Where else could I go on such short notice). I walked in with a fistful of items and tears in my eyes. They just looked at me with comfort. No words needed to be said. To them, I was perfect. I was safe. To me, I was dying inside. I had just left a world I had become so accustomed to. I had taken ten steps back from being the independent woman I knew how to be. The irony in all of this was, if I was this independent woman, why was I so dependent on this man. This monster.

 

 

A few weeks went by of solitude and of crying. A distant best friend of mine knew I was home and had heard what was going on. He knew I needed a friend. He showed up at my door one day. The first words out of his mouth were “Get dressed, we are going out and Kerri, you will prevail”. From that point on I remained focused. My family and friends were by my side every step of the way. They had never really left me like I thought. I left them and didn’t even realize it. Within time, I was able to get my own place, focus on work and move forward with my life in a positive direction. I was becoming the independent woman I needed to be. It took a while for me to realize that leaving was not the end of the world, but the end of a chapter. If "He" had never told me to leave, I would not have the life I live right now. I have two beautiful daughters. I am in school. I have my family around me every day and I have made amazing friends since leaving. I also have the confidence that I deserve to be loved. What “He” was doing would have killed me eventually. I saved my own life by leaving him. By walking into the unknown I propelled my life into a positive direction without even realizing it. I now have the understanding of abuse and know I will never tolerate it from any person again in this life or any other.

 

 

 

 

Week 5 Poem
 

 

ALCHEMY

 

one part soul

two parts heart

logic mixed in between

 

a blend we create                                          

a blend of what?

 

knowledge                                                        

 

bringing us

closer than the

eyes can

see

 

wisdom

 

dominoes knowledge

into effect

 

power

 

before us

within our reach

 

but why do we hold back?

 

the greater truth

from the greater self

 

our eyes

blind to see

 

unveil the shadow

before thine eyes

 

propel your life to be

Life And All It Brings - Week Four

Life is combined with a tremendous amount of experiences that stand out to us. Every one of us has had major turning points in our journey through life as we know it. These turning points start out as small as a first step. As big as a first word. As nerve racking as a first kiss. A moment of impact so great or so terrifying that it resonates in your soul. Boom! It sets the wheels in motion for our minds to think beyond what is or what was and on to what will be. In my life, there are many moments that come to mind when thinking back at turning points. These moments are a tiny makeup of my greater good.

Restraining Order      
      

From an outside perspective, I grew up in a solid home. A home in which consisted of a mother, a father and siblings. Inside this perfect picture lay chaos. My older brother, Michael, started drinking at the age of 14. Michael's drinking was a cover to much deeper mental issues that none of us could have ever comprehended. The liquid poison he consumed on a day to day basis wasn't enough to numb what he was battling inside. He turned to drugs. He started with pot and went bigger and bigger as the years went by. The combination of Michael's drinking, drug abuse and mental illness lead to World War III in our picture perfect home. He always started small. On a bad day, he'd break a photo or a glass. On a worse day, he'd pick a target and curse and throw things. On his worst of days, physical violence was his solution to all problems. He didn't care who he would hurt or how. After over 8 years of living at home with Michael and his demons, the worst had come to head. I came home from work and instantly became his target. Michael's eyes had gone black and cold, as they usually did after a day of drinking, drugs and talking to himself. It was the worst it had ever been or I had ever encountered. It was a physical fight of him attacking (for no reason other than I was just there) and me defending. It landed me in the hospital with a concussion, bruises and half of my hair missing from my head. The very next day I took my sister and went to the courthouse. I knew if I put a restraining on Michael, he'd be ordered to stay away. In staying away, he would have to move from my parent's home. Maybe this was the kick in the ass he needed to get on the right track. It was a win, win. I was not only saving myself, but I was saving my family from sleepless nights of bipolar disorder and I was hopefully saving Michael. The restraining order was granted without a second thought by the Judge. Michael moved out. My parents refused to speak a word to me and I couldn't understand why. I was helping them! At least I thought I was? Thirty days of a great night's sleep went by. My parents begged me not to go back to court to further the order because Michael was officially homeless. The next day Michael moved back in. I moved out.

Awkward Entertainment          

   
It was around my 21st birthday that my sister started dating a guy in this band called Savin Ill. She would drag me to local venues following her new guy as if we were teeny boppers working our way through a crowd of estrogen filled little girls at an N'Sync concert. I always had the propelled notion that I'd rather chew sand than be dragged to another one of this guy's gigs. Much to my surprise, after 3 or 4 of these instrumentally filled nights, I became hooked! I became culturally aware of the many types of music that underground venues had to offer. My sister's boyfriend saw my enthusiasm in all of this music and ran with it. He started up a company called Awkward Entertainment and signed me right on. It was a small company (which currently doesn't exist). We'd book underground local hip hop artists at venues throughout Boston and Cambridge. It was a tail spin into an entire new world for me. After working with so many talented local hip hop artists, we moved on to booking some of the better known talents. The Middle East in Cambridge, Massachusetts was our main venue. I was able to work with artists such as Wu Tang, Common and Mos Def. Hearing their stories, listening to their talents and working with some of the most influential rappers that have paved the way for hip hop was life changing for me. It broadened my scope not only in music but in my way of thinking as well.

Miami, 2007       

It wasn't until 2007, that a friendship I shared with three other women became epic. This friendship became an impenetrable stone of life. It was September and I was single! Coincidentally and much to all of our surprises, we were all single at the same time. (Unheard of, right?). The bond that was formed with these three amazing women was what most would call, destiny. Jo, who has been my best friend since grade school, went off to college and met Chelsea. Marisa, who is Chelsea's best friend from grade school, knew it was a perfect time for her to take a girls trip, which she had never done before. It all started with one email and four email addresses. The subject line read "Miami anyone?". It was on! It was the perfect time in all of our lives to just get away and live. We arrived in Miami with a will and a way. The first night there, after being exhausted from working all day and catching a flight,we decided we would have one low key night, get some rest and start fresh the next day. Pffff! That didn't happen. We convened at a bar called Mangos on the strip. It took all but two lemon drop shots each for the next five days to be filled with pure laughter, happiness and memories. We were unstoppable. Through our trip, we became each others allies. We learned each other in ways only sisters know. From that trip forward, these women have been a lifeline to me in my most exciting or simple of times. They are my rocks, my voices of reason and my "go to" girls for whenever I need to smile.



(From the left, Chelsea, Joke', Me, Marisa)

Week 4 Poem
(hip hop verse)

Bartender



Slingin drinks

sweat drippin down my back

got a line of 10 deep

most lookin like they on crack

Music is poundin

My head is poundin too

"10 shots of henney honey

and a shot of tequila for you"

10 heads roll by

10 more come through

"Can I get a bud, a Corona

and lil mama needs a Sex on the Beach"

"Yeah, and please bartender

make sure it aint weak"

No problem Miss
Now wipe that lipstick off your teeth

Bottles flippin through my hands

SHIT! I'm out of ice

Where's my bar back at?

This is why I can't be nice

On to the next.

"Hey bartender. Nice tat.
Yo, can I get ya digits?"

My number? I'm sorry.
Maybe when you speak proper English.

Here comes Miss Lipstick.

"My drink isn't strong, It needs
more Vodka. Can you move it along"

My eyes reach the sky
Come get yourself

Here take my spot doll
While I grab myself
a bottle of top shelf

I'm over this job
I'm over this noise

Girls wearin heels they can't walk in
and grown men acting like boys

The Powers That Be - Week Three

A Story of Power…

It wasn’t until recently I realized my value at work. I realized my power. Working since my ripe teenage years, I have always had doubt in my work product. At the age of 30 years old, I had been with my employer for 7 years. I was always unsure of what I was doing. If it was enough. If it was ok. I tried to push myself to make less and less mistakes over the years but I was never really confident in myself. I figured I had to be doing “something” right because I was still employed, but that wasn’t enough to keep me calm. A job opportunity approached me. Something in a completely different field making more money and meeting new people. I thought to myself, sure! Why not stir the pot and see where it takes me. I nervously approached my boss of 7 years with my news. I laid it all out on the line proceeding with caution of course.  I was unsure of what his reaction would be, but I pretty much had my bags packed. I was certain I was walking into his office, giving my two weeks notice and I’d probably be escorted from the building by security. I gave my boss the rundown of the offer and much to my surprise his red Irish face turned pale white. I immediately saw panic set in over the most controlled of men. He wanted the opportunity to counter offer. Something I was told my firm had a strict policy against. My boss raved about my work! I knew the ropes, I knew the job. I grew up there over 7 years. I helped him run an extraordinarily successful practice. He needed me! Me! The one, who every day walked in to the office being sure it was my last day. It was then I realized, wow, I am good at this. When all is laid out in front of you, hearing positive feedback from a person who rarely compliments anyone but himself was a shift in power for me. I gave my boss the opportunity to counter offer and I stayed!

A Story of Lost Power……

Yes, my boss counter offered. I made a quick decision to stay and I was flying high. I walked into work every day with a smile from ear to ear.  A sort of arrogance had set in. More money, no need to start a new job, and I was irreplaceable! This was great, until…….. the Scales of Justice had shifted out of my favor. Coincidentally, a colleague had a job offer within two weeks of my offer. She attempted to give her two weeks notice and her boss countered. She had been there for a year longer than I and her boss was not about to let her go either. Several top ranking partners at the firm had caught wind of the recent “discussions” my colleague and I had with our supervisors. It seemed to be a topic of conversation over their overpriced salads. They were displeased with the news that they countered offered to keep two employees within a two week time span. In being displeased, words flew over the lunch table of lying about  potential positions to gain an increase in salary. They felt the wool was pulled over their eyes. A conspiracy against them. I caught wind of all that was said and I was completely crushed! How could they say this? Was I not as valuable as I thought? I began to question myself and my work once again. My smile was ripped from me with words of hurt. I had lost power. It wasn’t until a few weeks later, after contemplating emailing my offer letter to every partner in the firm, that I realized they had gained complete power over me with just their words. Words that were not said directly to me, but about me. I realized their words were valueless. I knew the truth. They projected a negative image onto me because they could not believe we broke their rule. They have never counter offered for anyone. That was made clear. Yet, my colleague and I were still there. We disrupted their balance.  I continued to work at the same firm, but with an entirely new attitude. My work is above and beyond. I am good at what I do and I know my own value. I do not need to hear it from another person to believe it. This is not the last stop in my life or my career. I remind myself of that when things get difficult.

Harnessing Power.......         
                           

Over the past few years, simple techniques have helped me to regain power. I have learned to stay focused. I remain positive over myself, what I have accomplished and what I know I will accomplish further. Reflection is a big part of being focused. Sitting quietly and reflecting on situations, experiences and life, helps me to put things back into perspective when the universe shifts life out of whack. The wisdom of knowing who you are helps to keep the balance when negativity is thrown into your world. It is an ongoing battle but every day I get a little closer to realizing the importance of me and what I have to offer.

 Week Three  - Poem

When I Was a Limitless Child

When I was a limitless child;

 visions of whimsical dreams

cascaded through my sleep.

Endless possibilities

traced upon hopes

of what could be.

Using the essence of my innocence
to accomplish
the smallest of my needs.

A tree house, a picnic, that shiny new toy,
There were no boundaries
on the lines I would feed.

When I was a limitless child; 

Glass globes encased

these tiny dancers;

Snow twirling in thin air.

Such tiny dancers

moved ballet clad feet

to dance without a care.

When I was a limitless child; 

    The simplicity, the playfulness,

 the power of persuasion

 held strong and true.

A pout, a tear,

a subtle soft whisper

could break any of their rules.

                                                    
To be a limitless child;
To think back to what

once was.

Pure undeniable innocence

surfacing laughter

without pause.

This limitless child we speak of
holds no fear, no vanity,
no doubt.

A child driven by purity,
excitement; enthusiasm,
Reminding us of what life is about.



A Letter to My Mentor - Week Two

Dear R,

I find myself stumbled on words. There are so many unspoken truths from each other that I have almost lost sight of what was important. I'm taking this opportunity now to explain to you how you saved me. Yes, you saved me! I know this is a powerful term, but there is no other way to express myself.

When we met, I was a young, naïve girl spiraling on a downward path. I thought I had the answer to everything. I thought I needed nobody. I was a 25 year old girl on the verge of destroying my relationships with every person who loved me most. When we met, I was just coming out of a severely toxic, mentally, verbally and physically abusive relationship. The only thing I knew how to do was become numb to what I had barely survived. I threw myself into a social life of drinking and bartending. And even drinking while bartending.When we met, you became my friend. First and foremost, my well being was always your concern.  I cannot thank you enough for that. You saw in me what I could not see in myself back then. You saw beauty within. You helped me to realize, after years of verbal abuse, that the words spoken to me in my past were never ok. You held my hand and helped to pull me from my own tornado's path. I can say with honesty, I do not know where I would be without you today. You've taught me what it is to be a person. You have taught me the meaning of respect.

With all of this between us, you have also taught me the value of family. You started this by bringing me home to meet your Mother and Father. Filippo ended up being my lifesaver from your Mother, God rest his soul. He, like you, was always on my side. You showed me what Sunday dinner was in your Italian home. You showed me what it was to sit, to eat and to discuss each others day as a family. Today we share two beautiful daughters who I instill those values in. I truly believe we were destined to meet each other for those little girls to exist. I know you will teach them everything you taught me and more. For that, and for everything you have done for me in this life, I thank you.

Love always,
K




Week Two - Poem

"An Ode to R"

The sound of laughter fills a room

with your voice high above the rest.

Your sarcastic and joking humor

keeps our smiles at their best.

Compassion for your loved ones

is the strongest I've ever seen.

Your humility for silly little things

leaves happiness in between.

I feel lost in such amazement

watching your child like repertoire.

Our girls would giggle for hours on end

if I let it get that far.

You have a childish innocence about you.

You're a simple man with dreams.

Family and friends are life to you,

material items have no means.

I think back to the time we met;

and all you've taught me since.

Love, Respect, Stability, Family,

though it took awhile to have me convinced.

You accepted me as your family,

for this I'll never forget.

You gave me two beautiful girls.

I am forever in your debt.

Your generosity in this life;

is the moon lighting up the sea;

Helping to see for miles;

and what you saw was me.