A Blessing in Disguise - Week Five

 

 

 

 

I was with “Him” for almost four years. I’ll say “Him” because his name has not left my mouth in a very long time. We met when I was so young. Just barely 22 years old. He won me over with a charming smile, witty conversation and ….a motorcycle. (I should have known better right!?). But again, I was so young. I thought I was untouchable. I moved in with him within months after knowing him. Within a years time, my blissful life of gifts, trips and a happy home unveiled. He was a monster. He tore me down at any chance he got. He was verbally assaultive, mentally abusive and physically abrasive. I was already invested. I had cut most ties with my friends and family. I was just trying to keep up with what I thought was my “forever”.

 

One afternoon a fight broke out between us, as it had on most of our days. I couldn’t tell you the details if I tried. The only words that stuck out to me were "I want you to leave". I remember thinking to myself, I can’t leave. This was my home. This had been my home for years now. I was settled. My father had completely renovated the house to my standards, all of my things were here and ….I unwillingly love this man, this monster. I had another thought running through my head at the time. What will THEY think. They, being all of the people I had cut out of my life defending this man. They were my family, my friends, my loved ones. I had lost everyone close to me because I was so wrapped up in a world of hurt. THEY were gone because of me.

 

 

 

The fight continued and before I knew it I was packing my bags. I had this gut wrenching feeling of failure and I feared the unknown. Was this the end of my forever? How will I survive without this man? I moved everything in my possession that I was able to fit into my 2-door Acura. You can imagine this wasn’t much. I basically left with shoes, clothes and books. I moved these possessions by myself. I asked nobody for help because I was so ashamed. I was embarrassed that I was failing at something I had fought so hard for. I pulled up to my Mom and Dad’s house. (Where else could I go on such short notice). I walked in with a fistful of items and tears in my eyes. They just looked at me with comfort. No words needed to be said. To them, I was perfect. I was safe. To me, I was dying inside. I had just left a world I had become so accustomed to. I had taken ten steps back from being the independent woman I knew how to be. The irony in all of this was, if I was this independent woman, why was I so dependent on this man. This monster.

 

 

A few weeks went by of solitude and of crying. A distant best friend of mine knew I was home and had heard what was going on. He knew I needed a friend. He showed up at my door one day. The first words out of his mouth were “Get dressed, we are going out and Kerri, you will prevail”. From that point on I remained focused. My family and friends were by my side every step of the way. They had never really left me like I thought. I left them and didn’t even realize it. Within time, I was able to get my own place, focus on work and move forward with my life in a positive direction. I was becoming the independent woman I needed to be. It took a while for me to realize that leaving was not the end of the world, but the end of a chapter. If "He" had never told me to leave, I would not have the life I live right now. I have two beautiful daughters. I am in school. I have my family around me every day and I have made amazing friends since leaving. I also have the confidence that I deserve to be loved. What “He” was doing would have killed me eventually. I saved my own life by leaving him. By walking into the unknown I propelled my life into a positive direction without even realizing it. I now have the understanding of abuse and know I will never tolerate it from any person again in this life or any other.

 

 

 

 

Week 5 Poem
 

 

ALCHEMY

 

one part soul

two parts heart

logic mixed in between

 

a blend we create                                          

a blend of what?

 

knowledge                                                        

 

bringing us

closer than the

eyes can

see

 

wisdom

 

dominoes knowledge

into effect

 

power

 

before us

within our reach

 

but why do we hold back?

 

the greater truth

from the greater self

 

our eyes

blind to see

 

unveil the shadow

before thine eyes

 

propel your life to be